Lately with all of the fear circulating around 2012 including a movie that clearly paints the vision of the end of the world, I have had to ask myself. What if I only had three years to live? What would I do? How would I do things differently?

I realized that this was a theme I needed to embody. Because if we had but three years to change the world, what would we do differently?

The only world that I can change is the world within me. I can change the way I relate to the world. I can change my relationship with myself and with nature. I can change how I relate to others. I can do those things I feel intuitively guided to do.

In talking to a friend tonight I realized that narcissism, which I’ve built my life’s work around, is the opposite of transparency. And it is transparency that I most desire. I don’t want to hide who I am from the world. I want to just let who I am shine through. It is the narcissist who is intimidated by the light and tries to shut it down. I allowed my light to be snuffed out!  But it was my natural inclination to shine.  That is who I am and what I am here for. 

As I worked to understand the narcissist I had to understand also the inner narcissist; the part that resides in my shadow; the part I disown within myself.  It is the part that is not transparent, who feels shame, guilt, inadequacy and attempts to hide it from the world.  Along with those unacceptable feelings and emotions come the hiding of desire, passion, honesty, silliness, ignorance, and also the bitch, the hostility, the anger and all that is not considered attractive.  Like most I have found that I live inside an image.  I believe I should present myself in a way that is “acceptable” at least to a certain group within society. 

Yet what would happen if the world suddenly became transparent?  What if we moved through this portal as a whole and suddenly we became naked?  What if we could see the agendas, the fears, the insecurities, the lies, the deceit, and the depth of our isolation and loneliness? Read the rest of this entry »