Lately with all of the fear circulating around 2012 including a movie that clearly paints the vision of the end of the world, I have had to ask myself. What if I only had three years to live? What would I do? How would I do things differently?

I realized that this was a theme I needed to embody. Because if we had but three years to change the world, what would we do differently?

The only world that I can change is the world within me. I can change the way I relate to the world. I can change my relationship with myself and with nature. I can change how I relate to others. I can do those things I feel intuitively guided to do.

In talking to a friend tonight I realized that narcissism, which I’ve built my life’s work around, is the opposite of transparency. And it is transparency that I most desire. I don’t want to hide who I am from the world. I want to just let who I am shine through. It is the narcissist who is intimidated by the light and tries to shut it down. I allowed my light to be snuffed out!  But it was my natural inclination to shine.  That is who I am and what I am here for. 

As I worked to understand the narcissist I had to understand also the inner narcissist; the part that resides in my shadow; the part I disown within myself.  It is the part that is not transparent, who feels shame, guilt, inadequacy and attempts to hide it from the world.  Along with those unacceptable feelings and emotions come the hiding of desire, passion, honesty, silliness, ignorance, and also the bitch, the hostility, the anger and all that is not considered attractive.  Like most I have found that I live inside an image.  I believe I should present myself in a way that is “acceptable” at least to a certain group within society. 

Yet what would happen if the world suddenly became transparent?  What if we moved through this portal as a whole and suddenly we became naked?  What if we could see the agendas, the fears, the insecurities, the lies, the deceit, and the depth of our isolation and loneliness? Read the rest of this entry »

I have spent a number of years focused on Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the absolute destruction it causes those who are involved in that Web of Illusion.  The deeper I went into the dark world of narcissism the more I learned about myself and how I relate to the world around me.

Where I once looked at narcissism as a personality disorder and the people afflicted with this disorder as the narcissist, I now look at narcissism as the egoic illusion one erects in order to protect himself from the judgment of others.   The more deeply we are wounded and the more abandoned our inner child feels the greater we feel the need to protect ourselves.  The more we choose narcissistic behavior to protect ourselves the greater our narcissism.

We live in a narcissistic world.  It has evolved to a place where every man is out for himself.  There is little real cooperation as leaders of the world are focused on their own image, greed, power and control.  We are forced into roles of competition and slavery in order to fit into the world.  Love is something we often feel we have to manipulate others to get.  We often feel we have to look a particular part, or play a role in order to be perceived as “good.”

We get so entrapped in our roles that don’t even realize we are playing them.  We judge ourselves as superior or inferior depending on external appearances.  This is the grand illusion.  Our ability to be at peace in our own skin is not factored into our ideas of success.  Instead we focus on material accomplishments, i.e. degrees earned, money accumulated, assets, homes, cars, titles, physical appearance, sexiness, associations, and accomplishments.  If one sits under the bohdi tree for twenty years and achieves enlightenment society will deem him crazy; a fool, stupid, wasting his life away, and worthless.  For in his sitting he has achieved no material assets. Read the rest of this entry »