Spiritual Narcissism
Inspired by the Sweat Lodge Tradgedy in Arizona
There was a tragedy recently where three people died in a sweat lodge at Angel Valley Ranch in Sedona, Arizona. Since I lived six years in Sedona and new Angel Valley Ranch well, it hit close to home. I was always enthusiastic about sweat lodge and had attended many lodges myself. I needed to have a better understanding of what happened so I looked into this a bit further.
The sweat lodge was part of a five day spiritual warrior retreat led by “Self Help Guru” James Ray whose popularity soared after appearing in the movie “The Secret.” I watched the movie “The Secret” many times and was excited to see these principals and ideas I had been practicing for years being brought into the mainstream. But I wasn’t really familiar with James Ray or his work up until now. I had to look at a picture of him in order to remember which one he was. He was a good looking charismatic man in his early fifties. He was a self-made millionaire who charged between nine and ten thousand dollars to attend this five day retreat which ended in tragedy.
James Ray obviously had a huge following and many people made great life changes as a result of his work. But something went terribly wrong in that sweat lodge on October 12th. Not only did three people die in the lodge but many people were vomiting and passing out and an unknown number got very sick and had to be hospitalized.
The news suggested that James Ray who was all about pushing people beyond their comfort zone pushed a bit too far. Although most of us can agree that it is good to get out of our comfort zone sometimes our comfort zone is what keeps us safe, literally! At what point do we sacrifice our personal safety for the promise of personal growth?
As I looked into the story further I was easily able to identify what went wrong. James Ray should never have been leading that sweat lodge. Sweat Lodge is a Native American tradition that involves construction of a lodge out of willow branches or other easily bendable wood and covered with blankets, skins and/or cloth tarps. The water pourer has had many years of training in order to have the honor of tending the sweat lodge. There are usually no more than 12 people in a lodge and it is the responsibility of the water pourer to be conscious of everyone in that lodge. It is a great responsibility.
When I first started sweating in the year 2000 I went to a traditional Lakota lodge in Washington State and most of the time I went into “Women’s lodge” with a woman who had been adopted years ago by a Native Elder. She had devoted her life to the path and knew what she was doing. She was always tuned in to each one in the lodge and I always felt safe. Whenever one of the women in the lodge couldn’t take the heat any longer she would say “open the door” and her request would be honored. We were always welcome to leave without shame and also given the option to continue being part of the lodge ceremony sitting right outside the door. For me it was always a powerful experience.
When I went to Sedona I sought to continue the sweat lodge tradition and began sweating in another lodge that was not Native American. The rules were different. There were many people crammed in the lodge and we were asked not to exit the lodge. If we choose to leave we couldn’t come back. We were asked to “push through” our pain and discomfort. The last lodge I attended there were far too many people and I was too close to the fire and had a reaction. When I finally got out of the lodge I passed out on the wet earth. I never went back. It was no longer a sacred experience for me.
I contacted the woman who poured water for the Washington lodge where I sweated for nearly a year, and she affirmed that she wouldn’t have sat in that lodge either. It wasn’t in alignment with what she had been taught.
In the case of the sweat lodge at Angel Valley Ranch the lodge construction was poor, it was too large and there were too many people. Those in the back of the lodge had no oxygen or ventilation. James Ray wasn’t sitting in the back of the lodge and was unable to sense or have compassion for those people. The result was three deaths, many illnesses and likely mass trauma. According to lodge attendees, when people wanted to leave the lodge James Ray said “You are stronger than that, move beyond your weakness” or something to that effect. People felt ashamed to leave and also probably didn’t want to disappoint James Ray or look “weak” in his eyes. One woman in the lodge reported that a woman from the back was concerned that the woman next to her was in trouble. She couldn’t get her to wake up. James said “We will deal with her after the next round.” Deal? A woman is in trouble and he postpones “dealing with her?” I wasn’t there but when I heard this it reeked of narcissism. This man was too busy getting people to push past their human weaknesses to care about the people dying in the lodge. The vomiting and passing out should have been a clue. What was he thinking? This was not sweat lodge! It was a death trap!
Our so called “weaknesses” often clue us in to something being wrong. If we feel weak when out in the sun it is a clue to get into the shade. If we feel “weak” at work it is a sign to maybe take the rest of the day off and take care of ourselves. If we feel “weak” in a relationship it is often a sign that we are being emotionally drained. Weakness can be our friend. It alerts us to a problem. In some cases “weakness” needs to be overcome so we can go the next level in our lives, but we need to be able to determine the difference.
Narcissists despise weakness in people. They despise weakness in themselves! It is highly narcissistic to shame people for their weaknesses and to set up an environment for people to feel embarrassed about their most basic human needs, water and oxygen. The people who attended this retreat put their safety in the hands of James Ray. They believed in him and trusted him with their life. But he didn’t know what he was doing. How could he?
Prior to the sweat lodge their was a 36 hour fast where both food and water was not taken. The next day there was a breakfast and encouragement to re-hydrate but that wasn’t enough time for the body to recover from a fast. Most people likely entered that lodge dehydrated and from what I understand water was not offered. In traditional lodge water is offered as medicine during the lodge. Also in traditional lodge there are four rounds where hot rocks are brought in from the fire and water is poured onto the rocks to generate steam. It is poured slowly in increments using a ladle so that not too much steam is generated at one time. What I learned is that James Ray poured directly from a five gallon bucket onto the rocks. He either didn’t know what he was doing in that lodge or he didn’t follow his training. Either way he was responsible for the lives of some sixty people in that lodge and he sorely failed them.
So the next question is “why do we follow these leaders?” Why did people follow Jim Jones or any other spiritual guru who leads them into extreme danger and even death? The promise of spiritual enlightenment?
What is it that causes us to ignore our own instincts and intuition in order to follow the confident knowing of another person?
What I have learned about narcissism is that a narcissist doesn’t care about you or your well being. He doesn’t have compassion for you nor can he empathize with you. I am making a bold statement to suggest James Ray could be a narcissist, but being a specialist in the field of narcissism I can’t ignore the signs. And I am deeply concerned not only about this tragedy but about how spiritual narcissists are misleading people every day. We put our faith and trust in someone who does not have our best interest at heart. Some of these people seem almost “super human” in their ability to meet and surpass the greatest challenges in life, i.e. financial wealth, health, spiritual achievement and relationships.
I heard about one man in Sedona who helped women to heal their sexuality by stimulating their G-spots. I would call this sexual abuse of vulnerable women. Of course women did pay a lot of money to this guy to experience his gift. But I imagine there was a lot of damage done to women who put their faith and trust in this man.
While in Sedona I met a number of people who claimed to be “special” or “chosen” or “gifted” in some way that would heal others. Although I believe we all have gifts, many spiritual narcissists are simply wounded healers. They are projecting their own unhealed selves onto their clients and this can be dangerous for those who put their trust in them. I’ve met authors of best selling books who, in my opinion, were highly narcissistic. Yet they are seducing hundreds of thousands of people to follow their work. I got to know one author personally who made the “New York Times Bestsellers List” in the “Self Help” field but his life was a mess. He did a good job pretending but had some serious issues. His family was a mess and he was a very jealous man who believed he was superior to most people. He treated his employees like servants and reprimanded his wife in front of others. But like most narcissists the public loved him and his work. They believed the image of this guy as having it all together. But this was just the image. The truth was that all the stuff he wrote about didn’t seem to be contributing much to the quality of his life. He may have money but didn’t have a true spiritual awareness. This kind of power in the wrong hands is dangerous. It is highly misleading.
Spiritual Narcissism is found in the church, in the self help profession, in universities, and of course many cults. They are very charismatic, charming and have the appearance of being highly successful. In their presence one can feel weak, powerless and inadequate. They often have large followings and charge a lot of money. They often take advantage of admiring fans and have affairs. They misuse their power and see themselves as superior to their followers. Although what they teach can be very valid and their methods can work to help one better himself, there are holes in their philosophy. People end up getting hurt!
I think that because there is good in the teachings of spiritual narcissists it is often hard to detect the narcissism.
One woman told me a story about going to one of these “self help” seminars that promised that the attendee would transcend what was keeping them stuck. He would bring volunteers up on the stage and ask them to talk about their most traumatic experience. According to the woman telling me the story, a woman talked about being raped and her trauma was triggered. She was upset and crying on stage and the leader turned his back on her, walked out into the audience and started telling a joke. This woman was even more traumatized by the experience. She walked out! What might have happened to this woman? Whatever the guru was trying to accomplish or prove it backfired and this woman was more deeply traumatized. But even in the face of such horror people loved the leader and admired him for his work. He didn’t have sensitivity or compassion for those he publicly embarrassed and humiliated. There was a method to his madness but it involved re-traumatizing the individual he was trying to help. If his plan backfired he would not have the emotional skills to deal with the person effectively. Because in the eyes of a narcissist, emotions are weak and weakness is not tolerated!
It is true many people reach high on the ladder of financial success by putting their emotions aside and be diligent and enduring. But emotions are a part of life. Without our emotions we are nothing more than robots. Those who prey on the weaknesses of others are dangerous to society. But it takes those of us who are aware of narcissism in all its forms that can put a stop to it. We must recognize within ourselves when something doesn’t feel right and trust that. We must really learn to honor ourselves, weaknesses and all. We must learn to love that part of ourselves we perceive as weak and that is where our true strength comes from.
In the case of James Ray his life will never be the same. He has blood on his hands. Those who put their trust in him were mislead. Although some will still follow him into lodge, if he is not arrested, others will be much more aware. And perhaps this is the good that has come of this event. Perhaps it increases our awareness on the dangers of leadership and the narcissism that can come with too much power.
It will be interesting to see how James Ray deals with this tragedy. Will he be accountable? Will he take responsibility? Will he humble himself and admit that what he did was wrong and that he acted from inexperience? Lets wait and see.
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