After what seems a lifetime of struggle I am finally finding success in my life! It is not the kind of success that comes with a lot of money, expensive houses and cars. I don’t have any of that right now. Material wealth has never been my goal or my definition of success. To me success is to be “self ruled!” It is to make it through the obstacle course of life and with each obstacle find more of your true self. In the end, when all is said and done that is all we have! It is our true self we take with us. It is what is ancient and eternal. Everything else is just an illusion.
I turned 48 this year and noticing signs of aging creeping up on me. Like most women I would love to stop the clock but I must surrender to the process. I must surrender that last piece of attachment to the physical. “I am not my body!”
Youth and beauty is worshipped in our culture and I learned at a very early age if I wasn’t pretty I wasn’t valued. As a chubby kid with braces and glasses I was the target for everyone’s repressed self hatred. I was the one they threw stones at! I hated being so loathed and rejected! I didn’t understand. Why was I such an ugly duckling? If only I could be beautiful people would love me, right?
So my quest became beauty! I starved myself to an enviable thinness; I lost the glasses and the braces and grew to be five foot eight inches tall. I was, in my day, fashion model material. I was accepted by an agency in the City and learned how to make up and adorn myself to fit with societies ideal. But something was missing. Where was the happiness that seemed to be the promise of beauty? Instead I suffered endless bad relationships, a life threatening eating disorder, extreme lack of self worth and struggle to succeed in anything I did. Read the rest of this entry »